Marietta woke up one morning in 1973 to find that her daughter was not in the tent she had hugged and set her down to sleep in the night before and that the side of the tent was ripped open. The horror of any mother or parent followed. Her worst fears did not dissipate nor was Susie found over the next few days or months. During that time Marietta went through a whole range of emotions including the thought of wanting to rip out the eyes of the person who had taken her daughter.
Something interesting transpired though as some more time passed. Marietta no longer wanted to experience the anger and the rage she understandably felt toward the person who had abducted her daughter. She realized that her faith did not teach her to react in this way.
Maybe Marietta heard today’s Gospel at Mass also when Jesus answered Peter’s question about how many times he was to forgive with: “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22). Marietta asked Jesus to help her to forgive the person who had taken her daughter and that her Susie could come home safe. And she continued to forgive the man every day thereafter, and thus more than even seventy-seven times.
A year to the day later, she received a phone call. And the moment she heard the man on the other end of the phone, she knew it was him. As he began to talk, a peace fell over Marietta that she recognized as the Holy Spirit. The man got her number off the missing person signs that were spread around the area and had called her to taunt her for a few minutes and hang up. But he was surprised and put off balance by Marietta’s calm demeanor. Marietta still had the tap on her phone and kept him on for about an hour.
Because Marietta kept her composure, the FBI was able to eventually track the man down. Unfortunately, he had killed Susie and other young girls. Marietta still wanted to meet him. They did and talked. She grew closer to him, came to understand how troubled he was from the abuse he received in his childhood. She came to care for him like her own son. She appealed to the prosecutor not to seek the death penalty, and again this led to the man letting the prosecutor know where the bodies of the girls were in his jurisdiction. Since the prosecutor in another jurisdiction was not willing to consider taking the death penalty off the table, the man did not share where other girls he had killed could be found in the other district. The man eventually committed suicide in his jail cell before the case could go to trial.
Marietta made a choice. She felt she was not honoring her daughter’s death by staying in a place of fear, rage, and revenge. Her husband had the same decision to make but could or would not. He was a strong and athletic man who fell into a downward slide fueled by his grief. His unwillingness to forgive ate him up inside and lead to his early death.
What surprised me most about this story was not Marietta’s willingness and ability to forgive but the violent reactions directed toward her. Many people could not imagine her acting that way and many said she was a terrible mother in forgiving this man.
As a society, we do not do forgiveness very well. Marietta followed Jesus’ teaching. To forgive, in her case, was especially hard, but she did what we need to do, turned to Jesus and asked him to forgive through her until she could. Years later, she shared that she still needs his help to forgive and not slip back. Marietta has become an advocate that travels throughout the world advocating against the death penalty and sharing her story of healing from her willingness to forgive.
When we refuse to forgive, we not only oppose the will of God, but we also allow the one who has harmed us to continue to do so. This man not only took Marietta’s daughter but her husband as well because he was unwilling to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean we forget, condone what was done, or stay in harm’s way. It means we get to a safe place if needed, but then let go of seeking any revenge, wishing ill on the person, or seeking harm in return. Otherwise, we allow the harm to continue and to perpetuate it.
Forgiveness is the highest form of love. Again, to follow Jesus, in loving our enemies and those who harm us by being willing to forgive, is to will their good, to instead of perpetuating the pattern of evil, stop it by choosing not to feed it.
Forgiveness is the antidote to the poison inflicted upon us and the salve that will help to bring us healing. It is also the key to our salvation. If we are unwilling to forgive, we cut ourselves off from the love of God as Jesus taught us in the Our Father: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” The two go together. One does not work without the other. God bestows his forgiveness and mercy on all and we are called to do the same.
May we take some time today to examine where we have been able to forgive and where we still need help. When the enemy adds any fuel to the fire with his lies, renounce him with the authority you wield as God’s beloved daughter or son, ask Jesus for his help and to forgive through you until you are able to forgive for yourself. God only asks for our willingness and openness.
With the smallest opening the Holy Spirit can work miracles.
What Jesus can also help to reveal for us is our unwillingness to be forgiving of ourselves. As I discovered this summer, our unforgiveness toward ourselves can be buried deep under the cover of lies that make what we believe we have done worse than it is and afraid to bring it into the light. God loves us more than any sin we have committed, any sin, and never tires of forgiving us, let us not tire of asking! And if ever you have a thought that he would not forgive you for something, know right away that it is a lie and get to the nearest priest to ask him to hear your confession!
Reconciliation is a great gift and a healing sacrament that too many of us forget to utilize. I just went yesterday and felt so much joy and consolation afterward. It is another good practice to add to your spiritual toolbox and to pull out once a month or as needed! I am pretty sure that I have gone to confession more in the last year than I have in my whole life!
Marietta Jaeger-Lane shows us that even in the most horrific of experiences we can seek the assistance of Jesus to help us to forgive. In doing so, we collaborate with God to bring his love and light into a wounded and dark world.
Photo: Another evening walk earlier this week, St. Vincent De Paul Regional Seminary, Boynton Beach, FL
Spiritual Stepping Stones 