Peter approached Jesus and asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times” (Mt 18:21)?
Peter may have thought he was being quite generous in asking to forgive seven times because the custom of the time was considered to forgive someone three times. It may also sound pretty generous to us, because the usual question most of us ask is, “Do I have to forgive at all?” Many of us do not do forgiveness well, even if we recognize that it is a virtue. If someone says to us they are sorry, do we reply, “I forgive you.” Often our automatic response is, “That’s alright”, “It’s ok”, or “No problem”. When we are convicted of a mistake, error or offense, do we ask for forgiveness or operate from a defensive posture to explain away why we did what we did, or defend that what we did as right, not willing to admit any inappropriate action?
We are very habitual creatures, and much of what I shared above is learned behavior. We are conditioned and shaped since the time of our youth and even from our time in the womb. We also may recall those cases in which we feel justified in our stance of unforgiveness. Jesus will support no justification or rationalization. He will instead raise the bar for us as he did for Peter: “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times”, which can also be translated as seventy times seven. In either case, we may dismiss Jesus’ statement as mission impossible.
Yet is we are to be disciples of Jesus, we are to strive to forgive as our heavenly Father forgives. Forgive the same person seventy-seven times? Yes. If someone is seeking forgiveness, we are called to forgive. God has forgiven us and will do so unlimitedly. We are to do the same. Jesus does not mean that we don’t hold people accountable. He offered three steps of how to hold one accountable in yesterday’s readings (Matthew 18:15-20). Nor is he saying that we are to remain in a dangerous or life-threatening situation, or enable people in their self-destructive behavior.
Forgiveness has to do with not holding on to the hurt, not allowing the offense to fester as a grudge that builds to hate and negative or violent behavior. Forgiveness is also not a curse but a blessing. For when we forgive, it is an antidote to the poison someone has injected us with. If we refuse to forgive, we allow the person who has injured us to do so over and over again. In our unwillingness to forgive we allow that poison to continue to fester.
If you are struggling with holding onto a grudge and/or past hurts. One approach that may be helpful is to visualize yourself approaching the person you have the issue with and saying to them, “I forgive you”. You may also find it helpful to visualize Jesus standing beside you while you do this exercise. Repeat the process each day in your time of prayer until you start to feel yourself coming to a place of forgiveness, and can imagine that reconciliation is indeed possible.
If you find visualizing difficult, sit down and talk to Jesus. Be honest with him, tell him the situation and share with him that you do not want to forgive the person. Then ask for Jesus to help you. Embrace the sacrament of Reconciliation and confess your unwillingness to forgive. When ready, determine how best to reach out to the person to say that you forgive them; a phone call, email, text message, or in person.
A third idea that may work is to write the person a letter, whether you send it or not. Each of these practical ways provides an opportunity to approach the great gift that Jesus offers us, to forgive seventy-seven times, or to forgive each and every time we are given the opportunity to do so.
We don’t do forgiveness well. But with Jesus, we can begin again. Let us practice saying each morning, “Please forgive me, (Name)” and think of a few thoughts, words, or actions you need to be forgiven for. Then say, “I forgive you (Name), for…” and think of a few words, actions, or inactions to insert. Also, Jesus gave us a pretty good prayer: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” We are not alone. Remember, Jesus asked God to forgive those who crucified him. We can ask God to forgive those who have offended, hurt, or abused us. Then we can actually move to the point where we begin to develop the freedom of heart to say to others, “I forgive you”, and “Please forgive me.”
Photo: As God forgives us without limits we are to do the same. Looking upon the wonders of creation which none of us deserve can help come to a place of gratefulness for the love and mercy of God that we have received which can help us to forgive our brothers and sisters from the heart. Photo from the grounds of the University St. Mary of the Lake.
Spiritual Stepping Stones 