At some point in our lives, we experience the death of someone we love. If we live a long life, we will experience even more of the pain of losing those close to us. I remember my maternal grandfather sharing with me when he was around ninety that he had outlived most of his siblings and friends. Unfortunately, for too many in our world, death is a daily event through violence in all its forms. Grief during time of loss is a natural human response. It is certainly not an emotion to be suppressed.
In today’s Gospel, Jesus shared: “But because I told you this, grief has filled your hearts” (Jn 16:6). Jesus was preparing his disciples for his suffering and death on the cross while at the same time also letting them know that they would not be left alone. Even after his death, his resurrection and again time with his disciples, he would then at his ascension return to the Father. And better for his disciples that he would return to his Father. The Father will transform Jesus through his suffering, death, resurrection, and ascension. Jesus will assume his glorified body and the Holy Spirit will proceed from the Father and the Son to empower the apostles. They too will be transformed. No longer afraid, no more falling short of the glory of God but fulfilling and actualizing who Jesus called them to be from the beginning.
We can see the apostles living out who Jesus had chosen them to be on full display in our reading of the Book of Acts during the Easter Season.
Of course, the Apostles could not understand what Jesus was talking about at the moment. Who can blame them? They had no point of reference for someone dying and rising again, let alone that he would ascend to the Father and send the Third Person of the Holy Trinity to be with them. The Apostles would not only feel the grief of the loss of Jesus they would also experience the fear that the same persecution that took him would take them. Jesus predicted no less. To be his follower, they would need to be willing to give their own lives, as Jesus was about to do.
They did not get off to a great start. Even though Jesus foretold them of what was to happen, in Jesus’ final hour, they betrayed and abandoned him. And yet, except for Judas, because he had taken his own life, Jesus came to them again after his resurrection. He did not condemn but forgave them. Jesus would in a short time ascend back to the Father as we will celebrate this Sunday, and the disciples, with Mary, would experience the love and grace of the outpouring of the Holy Spirit at Pentecost, which we will celebrate a week from Sunday.
Empowered by the Holy Spirit, they faced what was before them head-on, even to experience their own violent deaths, except for John. The fear of death had no more power over them, their grief and their fear were turned into joy from their encounter with the Risen Jesus and the love of the Holy Spirit they experienced first-hand.
For us, as with the Apostles, grief is real, because death is a loss, it is a change in our present reality. Yet, we celebrate the Easter Season for fifty days for a reason. Death has lost its sting because Jesus has died, entered into the fullness of everything that death threw at him, and he conquered it. Jesus died for each and every one of us so that we can also rise with him, and be with him and our loved ones again for all eternity.
We can believe in our minds that death does not have the final answer, yet we will still feel the grief, the pain of loss. We need to be honest with our emotions, and not stifle them, thinking by showing grief that we are in some way less a person of faith. Jesus himself wept at the tomb of his friend Lazarus. In allowing ourselves to experience our pain, we will experience the Risen Christ who is waiting to embrace us and help us to heal.
The key is to allow ourselves to experience and feel our grief, to allow our hearts to expand with the pain we are able to feel. As our heart expands with pain, Jesus’ heart expands with his love and comfort. At the point where we have felt enough, Jesus receives our pain there. We, in experiencing, instead of denying our pain, can offer our suffering to Jesus. In receiving our grief, we can then receive his compassion, his consolation, healing, and love. Heart speaks to heart.
To experience our grief and allow it to expand in our hearts when it comes is healthy and necessary, but we do need to be careful that it does not define and overwhelm us. We just enter the ebb and flow as outlined above.
After seven months of caring and accompanying JoAnn to her death, visiting with family and friends through Thanksgiving and Christmas, I returned home to Florida, and for the first time, had some time alone. I had a two-day period where I was able to experience the weight of my grief and my heart was pierced with the suppressed grief. Fortunately, I received a phone call from my friend, Theresa Frettered, and she invited me to a diocesan event. I didn’t want to go but said yes. Terry was a messenger of the Holy Spirit. She invited me to leave the despair and come up for some air. Experiencing the grief, but then not staying there, was the first steps that led to years of healing, that still continue.
The time of grief is different for each person. “There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). When we experience the full range of our emotions and bring them to Jesus, the first born of the new creation, and pray for all those who have died that we hold close to our pierced hearts in this moment, those who have no one to pray for them, as well as those who are in purgatory, we heal a little more. We also with these moments of heart to heart with Jesus, begin to realize we too will die.
This is not morbid. Pondering our own death helps us to resist taking the time we have left for granted and choose to live our lives more intentionally, with greater purpose. Just as the jailer in today’s first reading turned from committing suicide to asking Paul and Silas: “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” And they said, Believe in the Lord Jesus and you and your household will be saved” (Acts 16:30-31).
As we experience the ebb and flow of grief with Jesus, as we entrust our lives more to him, we will experience his tender care for us. We will begin to heal and so help others to heal. When we believe in Jesus, we and our household will be saved. Maybe not in this instant and moment, but in God’s gentle pace and timing. Death really does not have the final answer. The loving embrace of Jesus does.
Photo: As I learned from CS Lewis, losing someone we love is like experiencing an amputation. We will live, but it will never be the same. What I learned from Jesus is that we can also experience healing and joy again.
Spiritual Stepping Stones 