Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me” (Mt 16:24).
Jesus invites us to deny our self-centered default position which places I, me, and mine (As George Harrison sang) at the center of each of our decisions. We can deny ourselves when we resist making excuses for our sins and come to a genuine place of sorrow for the pain we have caused God, ourselves, and others. By acknowledging our sins and confessing them, we die to our selfish ways, and then we rise again through the power of Christ. Empowered by our humility and the strength of Jesus we are better equipped to resist those temptations in the future.
We are also in a better position to then take up our cross, which is to follow the will of God. Jesus showed us the proper orientation of surrender when he said at Gethsemane: “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done” (Lk 22:42). Jesus followed his Father’s will to the cross and endured horrific suffering, excruciating pain, humiliation, and abandonment, unto death… while doing so, gave him the opportunity to conquer death and become the first born of the new creation!
Many a mother I have talked with has shared the struggles of labor, but also expressed the joy of giving birth; many students who I taught were exasperated by the time and effort expended for an examination, a sporting event, art show, musical or theatrical performance and yet experienced the joy from the feat they accomplished; and how many times have we faced a challenge, trial, or cleared some obstacle and felt the exhilaration of overcoming the hurdle?
Taking up our cross and following the will of God means accepting a disciplined approach to our lives. When we follow God’s will, as opposed to our own apart from God, the difference is that we are not alone in our persistent effort. Seeking God’s will in the midst of our discernment and trials for our everyday physical as well as spiritual pursuits is the key.
In my mid-twenties, I entered the Franciscan Friars of Holy Name Province to study for the priesthood. In the year and a half of discernment, from time to time I would imagine my ordination day. To my surprise, I did not feel any joy. I enjoyed every aspect of my experience with the friars and the ministries but there was something or someone missing. I took a leave of absence and about a year and a half later, I realized what was missing was a family.
About two years later I met JoAnn, and her three children, Mia, Jack, and Christy. Six months after that we were married and seventeen years later, I was ordained to the permanent diaconate. This is the short version of the story. There were bumpy moments as we learned to grow together by being willing to see each other’s point of view, some perspectives took a little longer than others, and we were at our best when we were willing to sacrifice for and serve one another.
Our greatest challenge came almost six years ago when we experienced JoAnn’s final weeks this side of heaven. From the beginning of JoAnn’s diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. This cross was the heaviest to bear, yet Jesus shouldered it with us and blessed us richly in our surrender. I am truly grateful for those final months that we had together.
When the realization that JoAnn wasn’t coming back finally sank in about a year and a half later, I decided I needed to learn to live again without her. I followed JoAnn’s advice to put all options on the table and over some months whittled eight choices down to two. Standing in our bedroom, I pondered whether to leave teaching for a year and collapse or pursue the priesthood. I then asked God, “What do you want me to do?” A quiet voice within confirmed, priesthood. My body sank but my spirit soared.
I would be accepted into the seminary to study for the priesthood and with the support of some great people and the strength of the Holy Spirit guiding and carrying me, I made it through to my ordination day. This time I anticipated ordination with joy, but there was a lingering feeling that I was betraying JoAnn by going ahead and living my life without her. We need to be careful what voices we listen to! The Father of lies seeks to wreak havoc but the Holy Spirit invites us to experience freedom, healing, and wholeness.
Some of the doubt lingered into my ordination Mass, until the moment when each priest walked by, placed their hands on our heads while each remained silent. About half way through the progress, one priest leaned close and whispered, “Your wife has the best seat in the house.” The tears began to flow and purify the lies. During the Eucharistic Rite, for a moment, I felt JoAnn with me, helping to realize that I was actually celebrating my first Mass as a priest, concelebrating with our bishop.
A few months later, I realized that I could be happy again. I was not happy JoAnn had died (which enemy fed me), I was happy because I was following the will of God. JoAnn told me that I would be sad but not to stay there and that she would be closest to me when I was doing that which made me happy. I have also come to realize that during the Mass, because of the presence with Jesus, the veil between heaven and earth is so thin.
When Jesus calls us to “deny ourselves”, he is talking about denying those attachments and disordered affections that we have to things and people, which is anything and anyone we place before God. When we are willing to surrender all and follow Jesus, allow the purifying fire of the love of Holy Spirit to burn the dross of our sin, attachments, and apparent goods away, we will experience the love and intimacy with God we have been created for, and experience a freedom we never thought possible.
Photo: Blessed and filled with joy to be serving in the priesthood of Jesus Christ.
Spiritual Stepping Stones 