Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me” (Mt 16:24).
Jesus invites us to deny our self-centered default position which places I, me, mine (As George Harrison sang) at the center of each of our decisions. We can deny ourselves when we resist making excuses for our sins and come to a genuine place of sorrow for the pain we have caused God, ourselves, and others. By acknowledging our sins and confessing them, we die to our selfish ways, and then we rise again through the power of Christ. Empowered by our humility and the strength of Jesus we are better equipped to resist those temptations in the future.
The key in following Jesus is that as we identify and confess our sins, we are also given the opportunity to slow down and see what is at the root of our sins. In most cases, there are unhealed wounds that are activated when we are triggered or tempted. Jesus leads us with his tender chords of love to experience the wounds, pains, and traumas of the past and when we allow ourselves to be loved in those places that maybe for years and decades we have felt unlovable, then healing and transformation can begin.
Experiencing our Father’s love, mercy, and forgiveness, his healing, we are then in a better position to take up our cross daily, which is to follow the will of God. Jesus showed us the proper orientation of surrender when he said at Gethsemane: “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done” (Lk 22:42). Jesus followed his Father’s will to the cross and endured horrific suffering, excruciating pain, humiliation, and abandonment, unto death… and in doing so, gave him the opportunity through the love of the Holy Spirit to conquer death and become the first born of the new creation!
Many a mother I have talked with has shared the struggles of labor, but also expressed the joy of giving birth; many students who I taught were exasperated by the time and effort expended for an examination, a sporting event, art show, musical or theatrical performance and yet experienced the joy from the feat they accomplished; and how many times have we faced a challenge, trial, or cleared some obstacle and felt the exhilaration of overcoming the hurdle?
Taking up our cross and following the will of God means accepting a disciplined approach to our lives. When we are more intentional about spending time with God each day, we will know him, love him, will better know and will be better able to follow God’s will. The enemy seeks to isolate us and tempt us to be more constricted. From there we feel more isolated and alone and are more vulnerable to seek out disordered affections and apparent goods. Resisting self-sufficiency and curving in upon ourselves and in trusting Jesus with everything that comes, we will experience instead communion and expansion and grow in his love for us.
When I was twenty-four, I entered the Franciscan Friars of Holy Name Province to study for the priesthood. In the year and a half of discernment, from time to time I would imagine my ordination day. To my surprise, I did not feel any joy. I enjoyed every aspect of my experience with the friars and the ministries but there was something or someone missing. I took a leave of absence and about a year and a half later, I realized what was missing was a family.
Three years since I discerned out of the Friars, I met JoAnn, and her three children, Melissa, Jack, and Christy. Six months after that we were married and seventeen years later, I was ordained to the permanent diaconate. This is the short version of the story. There were bumpy moments as we learned to grow together by being willing to see each other’s point of view, some perspectives took a little longer than others, and we were at our best when we were willing to sacrifice for and serve one another.
A greater challenge came almost seven years ago when we experienced JoAnn’s final weeks this side of heaven. JoAnn’s diagnosis of pancreatic cancer became the cross that was the heaviest to bear, yet Jesus shouldered it with us and blessed us richly in our surrender. I am truly grateful for those final months that we had together.
When the realization that JoAnn wasn’t coming back finally sank in about a year and a half after her death, I decided I needed to learn how to live again without her. I followed JoAnn’s advice to put all options on the table and over some months whittled eight choices down to two. Standing in our bedroom, I pondered whether to leave teaching for a year and collapse or pursue the priesthood. I then asked God, “What do you want me to do?” A quiet voice within confirmed, priesthood. My body sank but my spirit soared.
I would be accepted into the seminary to study for the priesthood and with the support of some great people and the strength of the Holy Spirit guiding and carrying me, I made it through to my ordination day. This time I anticipated ordination with joy, but there was a lingering feeling that I was betraying JoAnn by going ahead and living my life without her. We need to be careful what voices we listen to! The Father of lies seeks to wreak havoc but the Holy Spirit invites us to experience freedom, healing, and wholeness.
Some of the doubt lingered into my ordination Mass, until the moment when each priest walked by, placed their hands on our heads while each remained silent. About half way through the progress, one priest leaned close and whispered, “Your wife has the best seat in the house.” The tears began to flow and purify the lies. During the Eucharistic Rite, for a moment, I felt JoAnn with me, helping to realize that I was actually celebrating my first Mass as a priest, concelebrating with our bishop.
A few months later, I realized that I could be happy again. I was not happy JoAnn had died (which the enemy fed me), I was happy because I was following the will of God. JoAnn told me that I would be sad but not to stay there and that she would be closest to me when I was doing that which made me happy. I have also come to realize that during the Mass, because of the presence with Jesus in the Eucharist, the veil between heaven and earth is so thin.
When Jesus calls us to “deny ourselves”, he is talking about denying those attachments and disordered affections, anything and anyone that we place before God. When we are willing to surrender all and follow Jesus, allow the purifying fire of the love of Holy Spirit to burn the dross of our sin, attachments, apparent goods, and disordered affections away, we will experience a deeper love and intimacy with God that we have been created for, as well as a freedom and consolation we never thought possible.
Jesus never calls us to do anything that he is not willing to do. He also calls us to, take up our cross. To take up our cross and follow him is possible because Jesus did just that. He was willing to give all out of love for us. He was willing to suffer, carry his cross beam, fall and get up three times, to be crucified and die that we might have a way to break free of anything attempting to keep us from growing in our communion with God. Jesus, speaking to his first apostles, was even asking them to be willing to give their lives as he did.
Jesus “demands a commitment of faith that is ready to embrace the will of God wherever it leads, even unto death” (Mitch and Sri, 212). He meets us where we are. Maybe before answering the question of whether or not we are willing to give our lives to Jesus as he gave his life for us, we might start with, are we willing to slow down enough to let him love us in our wounds, sins, and failures. As we do so, we will come to know and love Jesus in return and then have a better idea of how to serve him “wherever it leads.”
Photo: Prayerful pause with Jesus who loved us this much!
Mitch, Curtis. The Gospel of Matthew. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic, 2010.
Spiritual Stepping Stones 