Peter approached Jesus and asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times” (Mt 18:21)?
Peter may have thought he was being quite generous in asking to forgive seven times because the custom of the time was considered to forgive someone three times. It may also sound pretty generous to us, because the usual question most of us ask is, “Do I have to forgive at all?” Many of us do not do forgiveness well, even if we recognize that it is a virtue.
If someone says to us, they are sorry, do we reply, “I forgive you.”? Often our automatic response is, “That’s alright”, “It’s ok”, or “No problem”. Then we may stew on the situation to different degrees. When we are called out for a mistake, error or offense, do we ask for forgiveness or operate from a defensive posture to explain or rationalize away why we did what we did, or defend that what we did as right, not willing to admit any inappropriate action?
We are very habitual creatures, and much of what I shared above is learned behavior. We are conditioned and shaped since the time of our youth and even from our time in the womb. We also may recall those cases in which we feel justified in our stance of unforgiveness. Another reason why forgiveness does not just roll off the tongue or our natural disposition is not forgiveness is because most of us are living in a chronic state of stress.
We are often in a defensive posture and aren’t even aware. We are often unconsciously in a state of fight of flight dealing with the normal stresses of daily life and that is just when things are going well. Add to the stew of stewing in our daily stresses, a wicked slider, and we slip into withdrawal mode or reaction mode.
For any of the above, Jesus will support no justification or rationalization for unforgiveness. He will instead raise the bar for us as he did for Peter: “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times”, which can also be translated as seventy times seven. In either case, Jesus’ point is to forgive unconditionally. “If God places no limits, humans cannot place a limit. On the other hand, those who place limits on forgiving others will have limits placed on their forgiveness by God” (Harrington, 269)
We are called to be disciples of Jesus; we are to strive to forgive as our heavenly Father forgives. Forgive the same person seventy-seven times? Yes. If someone is seeking forgiveness, forgive. God has forgiven us and will do so unlimitedly. We are to do the same. Jesus does not mean that we don’t hold people accountable. He offered three steps of how to hold one accountable in yesterday’s readings (Matthew 18:15-20). Nor is he saying that we are to remain in a dangerous or life-threatening situation or enable people in their self-destructive behavior.
Forgiveness has to do with not holding on to the hurt, not allowing the offense to fester as a grudge that builds to hate, that can then build to seeking revenge, or lead us into the opposite direction of depression and despair. Forgiveness is also not a curse but a blessing. For when we forgive, we stop the cycle of hurt. Forgiveness is an antidote to the poison someone has injected. When we refuse to forgive, we allow the person who has injured us to do so over and over again. In our unwillingness to forgive we allow that poison to continue to fester.
The parable that Jesus offers may be a bit confusing upon a first reading. How can God be so harsh after being so merciful? “The parable presumes Jewish concepts about God’s mercy and justice. God is willing to show mercy to sinners, but they must be prepared to show mercy to other people. To those who refuse to be merciful God will show strict justice” (Harrington, 271). It is in our best interest physically, in that forgiveness helps our stress levels and blood pressure to decrease, as well as spiritually, as forgiving helps us to experience reconciliation and healing between our relationships with God and each other.
Struggling with holding onto a grudge and/or past hurts? Next time someone apologizes, resist the knee-jerk reaction of saying, “It’s ok.” If it was ok, there would be no need to apologize. Instead say, “I forgive you.” This offers healing for both involved. Another approach is to visualize yourself approaching the person you have the issue with and saying to them, “I forgive you for…” and insert the concrete thing that was done. You may also find it helpful to visualize Jesus standing beside you while you do this exercise. Repeat the process each day in your time of prayer until you start to feel yourself coming to a place of forgiveness and can imagine that reconciliation is indeed possible.
If you find visualizing difficult, sit down and talk with Jesus. Be honest with him, tell him the situation and share with him that you do not want to forgive the person. Then ask for Jesus to help you. Embrace the sacrament of Reconciliation and confess your unwillingness to forgive. When ready, determine how best to reach out to the person to say that you forgive them; a phone call, email, text message, or in person.
A third idea that may work is to write the person a letter, whether you send it or not. Each of these practical ways provides an opportunity to approach the great gift that Jesus offers us, to forgive seven, seventy-seven, or four hundred-ninety times, which is to say, to forgive each and every time we are given the opportunity to do so. There may be situations so abusive or horrible, or the person may no longer be alive, that a direct communication is not possible or wise. In that case, the healing journey of forgiveness still offers a path to healing deep pain, even without confronting the person directly.
We don’t do forgiveness well. But with Jesus, a daily practice we can begin is to say each morning, “Please forgive me, God or name” of the person from whom we seek forgiveness, and think of a few thoughts, words, or actions we need to be forgiven for. Then, “I forgive you (insert name) for…” and think of a few words, actions, or inactions to insert toward the one who has harmed us.
In the evening, call to mind that which we are grateful for, where we said, “Yes,” to God and where we said, “No.” Where we said, “Yes,” offer thanks, and where we said, “No,” we can ask for forgiveness and help to do better the next day.
Jesus also gave us a pretty good line to pray: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” We are not alone. Remember, Jesus asked God to forgive those who crucified him. We can ask God to forgive those who have offended, hurt, or abused us. Then we can move to the point where we begin to develop the freedom of heart to say to others, “I forgive you”, and “Please forgive me.”
Photo: As God forgives us without limits, we are to do the same. An evening moment and prayerful pause, offers us a good moment to ask for forgiveness and to forgive.
Daniel J. Harrington, The Gospel of Matthew, ed. Daniel J. Harrington, vol. 1, Sacra Pagina Series (Collegeville, MN: Liturgical Press, 2007).
Spiritual Stepping Stones 